The Challenge of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is perhaps the most difficult challenge we face in the New Testament. It is something we all know something about and yet is hard to experience it.
Forgiveness is about restoring relationships, it is about making things right, it is about us, it is about freedom...But the thing that forgiveness is about more than any thing else – and the reason many people never really experience it is because Forgivness is about CHANGING ME! The way I think about myself, God, others – how I feel about my life.
We know what causes our need for the forgiveness of God and others – we screw things up. We do things, say thing, think things that we should not do. Either God has said “don’t do this” and we have done it or we have said and done things to hurt other people.
We also know that we have been hurt. Whether intentionally or not we have been hurt. Sometimes it is a ‘surface wound’ it hurts for a little while and then we get over it. Sometimes it is more than a scratch and it leaves us scared. Sometimes it goes deeper than that. We can be hurt at very deep levels where healing seems almost impossible.
It’s two days before Christmas and Tommy Pigogy was at a party getting drunk. When he left the party, he decided to drive. And as he was driving, he blacked out and while he was at the wheel, he hit 18 year old, Ted Morris head on, killing the only child of Frank and Elizabeth Morris. Recalls Elizabeth Morris, “I intended to hate the man forever.” When Elizabeth and her husband first saw Tommy in court, the devout Christians were surprised at the intensity of their hatred. Says Elizabeth, “Tommy was walking and breathing and my son was dead. And it was so unfair. I wanted him dead, too.” When Tommy pleaded not guilty there resentment deepened. Tommy was charged with murder but the charge was reduced to manslaughter. He was required to spend only every other weekend in jail and participate in Mothers Against Drunk Driving programs for high school students. Elizabeth went herself to go hear Tommy talk at the MADD program with the intention of confronting him. But she wasn’t prepared for what she heard. “I thought he would be excusing himself, but instead, he talked about the anguish he felt. He even called himself murderer.” After that Elizabeth went to see Tommy in jail. “My son’s life had been destroyed”, she said, “but it seemed Tommy could still be helped.” In an extraordinary act of forgiveness the couple befriended the man who killed their only son. Tommy began to go to the Morrises’ church and spend every Wednesday and Sunday with them. He even became a follower of Jesus and was baptized. “Ted, my son, would have wanted it this way.” Elizabeth said, “He would not have wanted us to go on hating. The hatred was eating at me like cancer. Now I can be happy and I can really live again.”
Jesus said:
John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
The full includes those very deep levels of our lives but it can only happen through the healing of forgiveness. To be ‘full’ means things in my life have changed and forgivenenss is intended to change me – the way I think about me, God and others
Take a moment and think about your own life. Who in your life has hurt you and you have not yet forgiven them? There are reasons you haven’t yet forgiven them, but you know that they hold your thoughts, emotions, attention and it all goes back to the time you were hurt, you are not experiencing joy and life in that part of your life.
There is a post-it note on your handout – I want you to take a moment and write their initials on that note, maybe some others will come to mind as we progress this morning so add them to your note as we go along.
Lets look at this story...
Matt 18:21-35
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22 Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.f
23 "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talentsg was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26 "The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27 The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28 "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii.h He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
29 "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
30 "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32 "Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35 "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
We know something about forgiveness intellectually, but until it affects our hearts we will not truly change. Forgiveness is a problem because...
We minimize our own sin and magnify the sin of others –
Intellectually the servant knew the king had forgiven him but it didn’t change the way he saw himself and others.
Issue – VALUE – we value ourselves high, the price Jesus paid low, and the value of others is low
We seek understanding for our sin and criticize others
Issue – Justice – we will compromise justice for ourselves and demand it for others
For the man in the story, he received more understanding than he asked for and even knew what to do with and yet had his fellow servant thrown into prison.
We desire others indulgence of our failings and become impatient with others
Issue – Mercy – we want it for ourselves but slow to extend to others... the king said 33 Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?'
The point of forgiveness is freedom – the effect of forgiveness is life change in me.
Only Christ can truly set us free and only his love and forgiveness can truly change us.
When we are Free, Rich in mercy, justified and valued – I can truly forgive others
You cannot give what you do not have – God wants you and I to forgive the people we put on our post-it
Un-forgiveness reveals how we view ourselves
Jesus came to change the way we know and look at ourselves, God and others
We get confused with what forgiveness is and what it is not...
Forgiveness is not:
Justifying offensive actions – it is not saying that what a person did is okay or acceptable, that they can keep doing that. It is not saying “you’re right and I am wrong”. Forgiveness is letting go of the hurt associated with it. It is letting the other person off the hook for being guilty.
Waiting on the passage of time – Time does not heal or make things right. Time is a magnifier. If you have forgiven t he person, and you have let go of the hurt, then over time, the pain will lessen. But if we hold on to the hurt, time will magnify the hurt. Hurt turns into resentment, which turns into bitterness, which over time becomes hatred. Waiting on the passage of time is not forgiveness.
Denying your pain. Saying “oh that didn’t bother me...It was really nothing” is not forgiving. It may have started out small but like a splinter that gets into your skin that isn’t taken care of and infection sets in, things get more and more tender and the pain can get worse. Un-forgiveness can grow where little things become big and break relationships. Elizabeth had to express her pain to Tommy in order for forgiveness to be real and life changing.
Trusting again automatically. Forgiveness is not trust. You should forgive, you should not hold grudges, but where trust is lost, it must also have the ability to be regained, the same way it is built, through experience over time. Forgiveness is like a relationship account is re-opened, and trust is like deposits that have to be made into the relationship account. The value of the relationship is measured by the level of trust. Things do not automatically go back to where they were, but the account is reopened with opportunity to rebuild the value of the relationship.
We have looked at what Forgiveness is not, but we are going to spend the rest of our time talking about what is and how we give and receive forgiveness. How do we forgive others when we have really been hurt?
You cannot give what you do not have - you cannot really forgive someone in the deep issues of life if you have not received and live as one forgiven.
For Forgiveness to become life changing in my life I must.
Steps to Experiencing Forgiveness
- 1. Recognize the significance of our offense
“a man who owed him ten thousand talentsg was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.”
The servant held a great debt. Our offense to God is great
Rom 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life inb Christ Jesus our Lord.
It is impossible to forgive until we have experienced forgiveness yourself. Forgiven people forgive people ~ do you know what you have done that has offended God?
We often do not consider our offense towards others as that bad, we over look it, justify it, rationalize it, but the hurt continues.
When we have been hurt, we don’t forgive because we don’t ‘feel’ the other shares the intensity of our pain, there is little acknowledgement of the pain of the offense - Things began to change for Elizabeth when she heard Tommy call himself a murder.
- 2. Regard the price of Forgiveness
We minimize our own sin and magnify the sin of others –
Jesus paid the price of your offense before God – He died for you and me.
Whether we like it or not, whether we understand why...the bible says
When we minimize our own sin, we say it doesn’t matter
Rom 2:4
4 Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? NLT
Intellectually the servant knew the king had forgiven him but it didn’t change the way he saw himself and others.
26 "The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27 The servant's master took pity on him, cancelled the debt and let him go.
Col 2:13-14 You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. 14 He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. NLT.
The servant intellectually “got off the hook” but the significance of the king cancelling his debt had no value to him.
- 3. Receive the Forgiveness by faith
27 The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
He walked away from the king as a free man – BUT
Gal 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
John 8:36. 36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
28 "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants
When the man left the kings presence, he had a choice to make. He was either going to live like a man who had deserved prison but set free, or a man who “got off without prison” and he was a ‘lucky man’ who was not changed.
- 4. Rejoice that you are free
When forgiveness is real it changes you. It changes your relationship with God and with others.
Rom 5:10-11 For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. NIV
Let the reality of your forgiveness change your attitude about yourself,
The servant said “show me the money”... “I demand justice” when he was confronted with a fellow servant who owed him some money. The freedom he experienced from the king lasted only until he walked out of his presence and he saw the person who owed him.
For Elizabeth – Forgiveness helped her find life again – her son was gone, but she could love someone else – even the one who was responsible for her greatest pain.
- Release others - Remember how much I am forgiven and forgive others
We can do the same, when the forgiveness that Jesus gives us changes us and helps us find joy in life again. But, when we don’t, we end up in the same prison that we deserved.
35 "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
Think about who in your life you should forgive...
Col 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. NIV
Take your post-it, think about the person who has offended you...maybe you need to put your own initials on the note to ask God to forgive you so you can forgive others
Same steps to give forgiveness
Recognize the significance of the offense
Apply Christ’s forgiveness
Regard the person as free
Rejoice in the power of Christ’s love
If you are ready and willing to forgive them, take the post-it and during this next song, come up and put it on the cross, pray, ask God to help you forgive them, to release them and as you turn to go back to your seat, Walk free.